a quiet evening at home

i am an artist. no, i am not a person who thinks they are an artist. i am an artist. i was born an artist and i made myself an artist. i recently chose to become an artist. anyway i could no longer postpone the inevitable.
i gave into who i am. i admit what i am. i am an artist.
what does an artist think you might wonder?
artists dont think. they simply are. i simply am.
thinking is meaningless anyway. reason is an illusion and perception is arbitrary.
i can see your faces. some of you are wrecked with confusion and others are acutely skeptical. painfully so. well let me clarify this for you. but first use your mind now and think. think of something you enjoy. something you love. something that brings you happiness. go on now and think while i will take another cough drop. well whatever it is that youre thinking, whatever it is that is in your mind, is meaningless, useless. well you might say 'my ---- arent meaningless and useless and they provide me with happiness!' yes but your ---- are not what you had in your mind. what you had in you mind was imaginary. what you had in you mind was useless.
what you had in your mind was a symbol, a sign. signs are arbitrary, fluid, unstable. unconfinable. so ideas dont make people happy you ask. what about the professor who studies math and finds pleasure in it or (even worse) the clergyman who tells us that its the idea of christ that makes him happy and that nothing else can? to this i say the same. meaningless, useless, the same.
intellectual pursuits are grounded in self-congratulatory masturbation when successful and ardent resolve when not while spirituality is a rejection of all that is real.
but they are still happy and that is still meaningful you say? someone once said sisyphus was happy and if you believe that then we have nothing further to discuss but if you think that scientists and clergymen are happy or different because of what they think or believe then i will have to ask you to come back tomorrow because i have run out of medicine and i cant get any more until the morning.